Life of the Book Hacker

Compound Grief: A Description I’m not even sure what I want... what I need to say, but I’m sure I’ll discover it as I go. It’s like that feeling when you’re trying to remember that you want to tell someone something, but the thought is just out of your reach? I know it’s important. I know I have something to say. I just can’t put my finger on it. That's every conversation I have these days. Glances of words have flashed behind my eyes; phrases repeating in my mind like a mantra. In the midst of all my currently stability, which, if I’m being honest, has been an infrequent state in my life for quite a while. I suppose what I’m trying to remember most is me . I want to remember the me I was. In conversations, I'll get close. Sometimes I'll see a vague outline or get a sense of my old identity... The past year has taken things from me. The past year, I haven’t been alone in my own head. Grief- from each miscarriage, f...

Paul and I were both shocked. That was crazy. I wasn’t supposed to be able to yet. After the last one, it was a couple months before I ovulated again. How did this happen? Well, we knew how it happened. Apparently, we’re the two most fertile people on the planet. We told almost no one. We scheduled our appointment. I got bloodwork. My pregnancy hormones were out of this world high. The sonogram showed a fetal sac with the yolk sac inside. Everything was developing like it was supposed to. Even though we hadn’t waited for my next cycle, it looked like my body was ready for this one.   Still, we were cautious. We kept it close, telling only those we knew would be prayerful and discreet with our news. Then Paul went to work offshore again. We had decided months ago that if this opportunity presented itself, we’d take it. He’d take a job if it became available, and it had. “What if something happens and I lose this one, too?” “I’ve thought about that. I can c...

I found out I was pregnant again on October 13th.  Because of my anxiety and my previous loss,  the doctor got me in for a sonogram and blood work immediately. Again, sonogram and blood levels were where they should be.  Everything looked great. Two days later, I got my blood work done again to make sure  everything was doubling as it should. I called for my results and was told I needed an appointment.  They hadn’t needed to give me an appointment with my last pregnancy.  I thought maybe they were just being difficult. I drove to the clinic after work. “You need to make an appointment.” “But I’m here now. Why don’t you just tell me?” “Someone will be with you shortly.” I sat in the waiting room for an hour, stubbornly believing  that it couldn’t happen again.  Maybe it was ridiculously good news and they wanted to tell me in person.  I bet that was all.  ...