Life of the Book Hacker

"An egg is always an adventure." - Oscar Wilde

As of Thursday (IVF Day 6), I had *ALL* the symptoms people warn you about with IVF. Exhaustion (I slept 20 hours this past weekend) Swelling (my wedding ring, pants, leggings, shoes- none of it fits anymore) Nausea FEELS. SUCH FEELS. ALL THE FEELS: Angry. Sad. Happy. Anxious. Excited.  Paul just held me until I went to sleep because he's the best. But that was only the beginning....  Reasons I've Cried (a .gif story):  I didn't recognize Meryl Streep's voice on an audiobook (I cried for 2 hours) Paul sarcastically made a big deal about going to get me a butter knife at a restaurant, and I knew he was being sarcastic, but apparently my hormones didn't My leggings didn't fit this .gif I dropped my key fob getting out of my car I got sick at my stomach while eating some fried chicken and I wasn't able to finish it  Brendon Urie singing "I Can Go the Distance" from Disne...

If you've been reading for a while, you know about our miscarriages.  If you're new, I invite you to go check those out here *trigger warning: violent, vivid descriptions of miscarriage* Miscarriage 1 Miscarriage 2 Miscarriage 3 Miscarriage is common. Studies show that 1 in 4 recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Recurrent miscarriage, which was our issue, is not common. According to the University of Southern California, a pregnant woman has a 2% chance of having 2 miscarriages in a row. The chances of having 3 in a row? 1%.   The term "r ecurrent pregnancy loss" (or RPL) is defined as " three or more consecutive losses of recognized pregnancies." There are many causes of RPL.  To find out why, we went to a fertility doctor. We had  all  the blood work, a hysteroscopy, and genetic testing of the last embryo we lost so that we could discover the cause. I have what's called "antiphospholipid syndrome." You can read a mo...

Purpose: Since I started this blog, it has evolved.  Originally, it was a grief diary to journal about my miscarriage experiences.  Then my mom passed away, and it became a grief diary for that, too.  But why am I writing?  Why?  There are a few reasons.  Partially?  1) Telling My Story Humanity becomes more human through the telling of stories. This past year, I've developed and carried quite a heavy albatross. I  feel the need to tell my story because I have this unbearable need to share it.  2) Keeping a Record Someday, I will look back on this time. I don't want to forget any of my experiences or losses. I'm discovering new things about myself every single day of this journey. I want to remember.  and this is the big one... 3) Educating & Opening Dialogue We don't talk about grief. Actually, let me rephrase that. We don't talk about living and grieving. In movies and tv shows and bo...

Originally Posted on my Facebook: November 25, 2018 I won’t sugarcoat it. These past few days have been incredibly difficult. Thanksgiving was my first big holiday without my mom. I had my kids with me earlier this week while we celebrated with my family in MP. We had a so much fun and everybody really got to spend quality time with one another.  We also designed and bought a headstone for my mom. We met a realtor about listing her house.  Tying lose ends.  Things ending.  More bitter than sweet, but still necessary. I am blessed to have had multiple invitations to dinners on Thanksgiving Day, I turned down those invites to spend the day with my in-laws Mike & Cyndy , who were the first to offer me a place to go.  A couple of my sisters-in-law came (I've got 5), and we had a nice meal and good conversation.   I’ve spent thew two days since trying to relax and process. I met with some friends for another dear frie...