Great Eggspectations

I'm a failure.

You had one job, eggs. 

Stupid, stupid eggs.

If had just gotten knocked up in high school, I might know what it's like to hold my own baby in my arms. 

Maybe God doesn't want me to become a mother. 

What if I'm never going to hold my own baby in my arms?

What if nobody ever loves me like that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a rough *ROUGH* day. 

I woke up so excited and anxious. 

I have 1st period conference and some of my seniors have that class period off, so they'll come to my room as sort of a study-hall. A student I'll call Suzy was using my classroom for this purpose at the time. I sat at my desk, typing away at lesson plans and grades. 

Then my phone rang.

I was so thrilled. 

In my mind, there was a 100% chance this was going to be the greatest phone call of my life. All of the anguish was almost over. The emotional and physical pain will all have been made worth it.

Hope hung on the other end of that line. 

"I'm sorry. There was one we were hopeful for, but out of the nine, none of them made it."

"WHAT. WHAT. NONE?" 

"Yes ma'am."

"None. You're sure?"

She said something about the doctor and calling me later that afternoon and possibly something about images? Then I hung up. 

Looking around, I realized I was on the floor behind my desk. Without noticing, I had slipped out of my chair where I found myself spasming with sobs, gasping for breath, grasping in the air for I don't know what.

"MRS. A! MRS. A! What's going on!?"

"Eggs...none. <gasp sob> None made it."

"Who do you want me to get?"

"<gasp sob>Cheryl."

"I'm on it."

Moments later, Jordan (not Cheryl- she was out with her organization that day) showed up. At some point, Jenna (another teacher) arrived. Two more of my seniors were there. 

I messaged Paul.

When he called. I told him everything. 

I honestly don't remember much of what either of us said. 

I assume I told him I was going home. 

I do remember him sounding so calm and so strong when he whispered, 

"Hey. We're going to have our baby."

Knowing what my silence meant, he continued.

"We. Are. Going. To. Have. Our. Baby. This isn't the end." 

So much of the rest of the day's events blurred together. I remember flashes. 

What do you need?
How many copies?
Have you put in for a sub?
Have you talked to Paul?
Who's watching your class?
I'll watch your class. 
You can send your students to the library.
I'll tell the department head. 
I can drive you home.
Are you sure you need be alone, without Paul there? 

I do remember my seniors turning off all my surge protectors and packing all my belongings to bring home. I think Jordan and Brenda, the librarian, made all my copies, but I'm not sure. I know Jenna watched my 2nd period class. My department head found somebody to take over during 3rd. The front office found somebody to cover my 4th (last period) class. 

Within an hour, I had driven myself home. 

I called my mothers-in-law, my dad, and my grandmothers. 

I took a Benadryl and slept on the couch for 4 hours. 

By 5, the dogs, blissfully unaware of any trauma, 
had been patient with my nap, but enough was enough. 
They had to go.

I trudged to the door to let them out.

I trudged back to my bedroom to change clothes because I was pretty sure I had slept in my work outfit.

I looked down. A hoodie. Sweatpants. 

When had I done that?

A notification popped up on my phone.

"Counseling- 6pm"

Thank you, Jesus! I have therapy! 

And also,

Thank you, Jesus! Braum's is right by her office. 
I can get comfort ice cream before my appointment!

I let the dogs back in, then turned on their audiobook. 
And I left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking around my ice cream come, I walked my counselor through the day.

She stopped me when I got to my stream of thought.

So you immediately put the blame on yourself?

That was it. 

There's the rub.

I blamed myself. 

I was angry with myself.

That was part why this hurt so much.

Not only was I grieving.

I was punishing the one person I blamed for everything. 

Me. 

The same way I had with the miscarriages. 

I was angry.


And sad.


And ashamed. 





Was there any part of this you could control? 

No.

Then why are you angry? Why do you feel guilty? 

Three days later, I still don't have an answer. 

I know I shouldn't feel guilty.

I know in my head that I didn't cause this to happen. 

I know that, but....

In Frozen, when Elsa and Anna are each sitting on the other 
side of Elsa's door after their parents' deaths...

Mind: wants to talk, 

reason things out, 

 move on 

to the next step, 

offer comfort 

Heart: overwhelmed, feeling all the things, yelling, closing doors, pushing everyone away

                                                     Sounds about right.