Things NOT To Say to a Grieving *Parent* After Miscarriage (*Because the Father Grieves, Too)

I posted this on my social media not long after my first miscarriage, but I've gotten feedback and altered it somewhat to reflect the recent losses.

The following are the worst and most common:

1) "It's part of God's will."

2) "Everything happens for a reason."

3) "Do you know why it happened?"

4) "At least you know you can get pregnant."

5) "Be grateful for the children you have."

6) Asking my husband, who also lost a baby, how 
*I'm* doing, but not asking how he is.

Why not?

1) God did not kill my baby

2) It doesn't. Sometimes things just happen.

3) This implies that I did/did not do something to cause it.
Most pregnancy loss happens because of a genetic abnormality.
If a baby isn't going to make it to term, 90 percent of the time it
never was. Also -– and I can't emphasize this enough -– no matter
what I did, I was going to lose my baby. I know this. But in reality?
I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. Horrible people who do everything
wrong carry babies to term. I did everything right, and my baby died.

4) Minimizing my loss/pain by comparing it to somebody
else's separate struggle is rude and insulting. This isn't something
you'd say to somebody who lost a 5 year old. Don't say it to me.

5) Yes. I do have three children and they are wonderful and the joys of my life.
The fact that three of my six children are alive and thriving does not lessen the fact that I lost one.

6) I wish I didn't have to explain this one, but here goes: He. Lost. A. Baby. Too.

The BEST have been:

1) "I don't know what to say/there are no words, but I'm here and I love you"

2) "You don't have to go through this alone."

3) "Let's hang out, and we'll only talk about it if you want."

We have to keep talking about miscarriage and the loss of our babies. Yes. Babies.
Because when we knew we were pregnant, it was not just a fetus or an embryo.
In our hearts and minds, it was a baby.

Miscarriage happens in 20-25 percent of pregnancies.
This statistic is probably wrong and the number should be higher,
but so many women won't talk about it, even with their doctors.

It's taboo. So we stay silent.

But I won't.

I'm going to continue to talk about it.

I'm NOT SORRY if it makes you sad or uncomfortable.

If you've experienced this kind of loss, I am here for you. 
If you experience it in the future, I am here for you. 
If you want to talk about it or you don't,

You 

are 

not  alone.

.